Feeling Emotionally Exhausted

9. FEELING EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED

If we are too disconnected from ourselves or in relationships in which we are more attached to an outcome or appearance instead of honoring ourselves and our truths, we may feel exhausted.

This is not the same as being physically exhausted from being up with a sick kid all week or mentally exhausted from a challenging deadline at work.

We can feel emotionally exhausted if we are not connected to our true selves and working far too hard to maintain the appearance of who we are without being authentic. When we allow ourselves to remain in an environment, situation or relationship that we don’t want to change but that is not in alignment with our true selves, we feel exhausted.

Sometimes, this can feel like drama, which I define as unnecessary and sometimes repetitive emotional distress lacking in a commitment to purpose or resolution. Whether you are stuck in your personal state of drama or provide the ear in someone else’s drama, the unnecessary stress endured by all involved is a distraction from a genuine interest in achieving true happiness.

The closer we are in alignment to our true selves, the easier life is. The farther we are from being in alignment with our true selves, the more effort each day is. We are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. We have to put forth effort to proceed through life trying to show or prove who we are because we are not actually honoring who we are, and that effort results in feeling exhausted.

For example, if your car has a flat tire, you can still drive it, but it takes more effort and time for the car get from point A to point B. It might even cause some damage along the way.

Likewise, when we are disconnected from our true selves, our life journey takes more effort and can damage other parts of ourselves. The ride isn’t smooth; it’s clunky, and we are slower to realize our dreams. We may not know we have a flat tire if our journey’s been clunky, slow and challenging for too long. But when we feel exhausted too often, we know something is out of whack. The problem is that we pretty much know when we have a flat tire, but we don’t always know that we’re disconnected from ourselves.

When we feel emotionally exhausted, we have an opportunity to reflect on why life is so much effort. Living life connected to our true selves still has challenges, but we move freely, addressing them as they come.

If we find ourselves being emotionally defensive about who we are or the decisions we make, it may be because we are trying to prove something instead of solidly believing our decisions are in alignment.

The more energy we exert to prove who we are or defend our decisions, the less connected we are to ourselves. The longer the story we use to explain every aspect behind our decisions, the less confident we are in our decision. The louder our voice to proclaim who we are, the smaller we feel. We are no longer proving to others, but proving to ourselves.

We don’t have to shout from the rooftops who we are if we know who we are—we just are. People will know from our actions and presence, and if that isn’t enough for anyone, we might want to re-evaluate the environment or relationship.

If we’re often defensive, it means we aren’t feeling seen or understood in the way we want, and there are only three reasons for this: 1) We are too far disconnected from our true selves and that unstable or insecure distance is showing up; 2) We have become more connected to ourselves, but haven’t broken old patterns of relating to others as our new self; or 3) We are in a dysfunctional relationship with some-one (at work, a friendship, family member or love interest) who isn’t interested in truly seeing us, and we’re trying to change that and force approval.

Being defensive is emotionally exhausting, and there are solutions to every cause.

1. Get more connected and therefor more self-confident (through inspiration, of course!)
2. Practice pausing before reacting and allow ourselves to show who we are instead of insist who we are
3. Change or distance ourselves from those that are trying to keep us as our old selves, likely so they don’t have to change their story or adapt

Another surefire way to feel exhausted is if we hinge our happiness on other people’s happiness. We are placing our happiness, something so precious, on someone else’s roller coaster of life! Since we can’t control other people, we work hard to influence them. It feels like work to earn that happiness. Feeling exhausted is a sure sign that a situation is not in alignment with your true self.

EXHAUSTING RELATIONSHIPS

Another situation that can result in feeling overwhelmed or emotionally exhausted is staying in a relationship that causes us to be disconnected from ourselves. The delicate balance of compromise, shoulds, and keeping someone else’s needs, feelings and desires in mind can get tricky.

Compromising and being mindful of our partner’s needs, feelings and desires while continuing to honor ourselves is important. But, when we get too flexible, compliant, or fearful of upsetting or losing our partner by speaking or acting on our truths and honoring our needs, we are no longer an equal. Our partner knows when he or she can overpower us to get their needs met, even if it’s not with malicious or unloving intent.

If we teach people how to treat us by what we allow, our words don’t matter if they are unmatched by our actions. Let your actions honor you, and teach your partner that your needs are as important as theirs.

I was once in a relationship with an alcoholic. At the time, I didn’t know what that meant or how it was affecting me. To me, it was a normal relationship with both challenges and beautiful moments. I was always trying to get his attention because he wasn’t often present with me. The more I was attached to us being together, the less connected I became to myself.

 

I was always second to what he wanted, and I allowed it. I didn’t want to lose him, so I lost myself instead. I verbalized how unfair it was. I justified the relationship to friends and family. I defended him to myself and others because he had had such a hard life. But understanding why he acted the way he did didn’t mean I had to accept it—though I did for two years.

 

I used my words to prove who I was to him, to state what I wanted, needed and deserved from a partner. But he knew everything I said didn’t matter. I wasn’t proving it to him; I was trying to prove it to myself. I said I deserved better, but I allowed everything to continue as usual. I wasn’t acting in a manner of self-respect, no matter how I stated, yelled or pleaded. I wanted those words, even in conflict with my actions, to be enough so that I didn’t have to face the consequences.

 

I didn’t act in honor of myself because I didn’t want to lose him.

Why do we lose ourselves to avoid losing another? Because we are disconnected from ourselves. The connection cord is too long, thin and frail; we no longer know who we are without that other person. We don’t know what we are worth.

Without that person, we don’t know what we’ll have left or what we’ll have to offer. We allowed our love for ourselves to be replaced by the love from another, and if we lose that, we will have nothing.

After a lot of personal work, I found myself and let him go. I became so closely connected to myself that I knew I would never again lose myself for someone else. No one’s love for me is ever more important than the love I now give myself.

Actions do speak louder than words. If our actions aren’t creating boundaries that protect our ability to both honor ourselves and assert our needs and wants as equally important as our partner’s, we will seek other ways to persuade, manipulate or cajole to get what we want. Using indirect ways to communicate our needs allows us to avoid the direct and firm assertion we need to make. Navigating these round-about attempts to be seen and to honor our true selves is exhausting.

We aren’t trying to make our relationship work; we are trying to make being disconnected from ourselves look and feel like being connected to ourselves. We might be trying to prove it to ourselves, our partner or our friends and family. We are working so hard to make it look like we are connect-ed when we aren’t because the stakes of honoring ourselves seem too high. We have to start being who we truly are and let the chips fall where they may. We can’t experience true connection without starting from our true selves, and a person worthy of our partnership will celebrate all that we have to offer.