Being Judgmental

7. Being Judgmental

Someone once told me I was really judgmental. I felt like I should be offended, and I was definitely confused. Isn’t it good to be judgmental? Don’t we use judgment to make good decisions? Isn’t it true that someone chooses to look or act a certain way as a means of expressing who they are and how they want me to see them?

There I was thinking I was being a strategic thinker in taking subtle (or not so subtle) cues from people about what they are trying to tell me about themselves. (Are you sensing me trying to label someone so that “I’ve figured them out” and can avoid living with the ambiguity of human nature?)

I decided to dive into understanding what being judgmental is and why it is not “good.” After much reading and research, I determined for myself that being judgmental requires two components being activated at the same time:

1) Making a determination about who someone “is;” thinking we can predict how they think or how they will act

2) Thinking that I am better than this person because I have made or would make decisions differently, resulting in a “better” outcome

The second one is the clincher for me. While a part of me still uses the first as way to use my judgment (that lone man lurking in the parking garage, wearing a black trench coat, might be dangerous because of how he looks), the second component is my self-imposed red flag to put myself in check.

What I learned is that I was often using my judgments as a way to tolerate the passiveness I perceived in others. I’m not afraid to be decisive, bold, or make changes. When I’m around others who aren’t as comfortable being so direct, decisive, curious or proactive, I get annoyed and impatient because I can’t relate to prolonging certain results of what I (subjectively) see as truths that will play out sooner or later. I can’t relate to not being curious about the most efficient or cost-effective way to do something.

My coping mechanism relies on that second component of judgment, which is all about me and what I can handle, not about the person I’m judging. It’s okay if I would make a different decision to serve my needs or life, but I can’t make that decision for someone else because I’m not running their life.

I’m not proud of this trait, but I am aware of it and I work on it.

We can use judgment to justify or cover up other parts of ourselves. We can use judgment to keep telling a good story about ourselves and a bad story about someone else.

We don’t need to make our life experience applicable to anyone else. We can question ourselves when we notice we are being judgmental by asking how it is serving us.

AM I BEING JUDGMENTAL OR HELPFUL?

Being helpful not only serves others, it often serves us as well. A Friends episode humorously pointed this out when Phoebe could not complete a true act of selfless kindness because of how good she felt afterward or how she benefit-ted from each one. So let’s put altruism off the table for this exploration. We can do good things for other people and get something from it, and it doesn’t discount the positive impact we made in another’s life. Of course, this is only if we are coming from a place of honoring ourselves (and not codependence or giving help where it’s not needed or requested).

So how do we know when we are being judgmental instead of helpful? When we start using the word “should.” We throw it around pretty carelessly. “You should totally buy that,” “you should call her,” or “you should do it this way.” We’re subtly making something about the other person when it’s really about us trying to make ourselves more pleased, comfortable or in control.

Instead, we can reframe our message to be more honest and less manipulative. “I like how you look in that,” “I would feel better if you call her,” or “I do it like this and I would prefer you to do it the same way.” Alternately, “have you ever worn something like this?” “Have you ever done it this way?”

We don’t have to go overboard on monitoring shoulds when it’s said casually (“we should have chicken for dinner”), but it’s worth reflection when we find ourselves giving advice and throwing around the should.

We can take inventory of our motivations. If they are more about us than them, we can try a quick re-word to infuse ownership and honesty in what we’re saying. “I find it efficient to do it like this if you want to try,” instead of, “You should do it like this.”

Even though it may seem like semantics, it really does make a difference in the internal space that we are coming from and how the other person receives our message. Our words are powerful. If we don’t take the time to not be careless with how we say our shoulds, we can miss important opportunities to connect with ourselves through speaking our truths.

But that’s the easy part of should. The hard part stems from the shoulds we put on ourselves. Here comes the voice! I shouldn’t eat that, I should exercise more, I shouldn’t like this, I should call her, I should be able to do this, I should look like this, I should blah blah blah.

Shoulds are a form of self-judgment and sometimes a form of negative self-talk or self-rejection. Shoulds say what we want for ourselves or what someone else wants of us, but they are not based on who we are at the present time. This dialogue ends with a dip in self-esteem because we aren’t where we “should” be or who we “should” be. Says who?

The should may be what we really want for ourselves. Maybe we truly want to wake up early every morning to exercise, but we’re having trouble getting into that habit. Before we go to bed, we’ll likely tell ourselves that we should get up early. And if we don’t rise and shine with our alarm the next morning, we might spend the day saying we shouldn’t have slept in.

There is a big, intentional difference between “I should” and “I will.”

Shoulds already have a built in “I might not,” letting us off the hook in exchange for guilt and shame.

Internally using the word should can lessen the simplicity of commitment and will power. If we confuse our “I will” accountability with a should, it’s easier to focus on guilt and shame. And now that we’re moping around all day with our guilt and shame, we have a distraction from focusing on the confidence and empowerment we need to commit with an “I will” to execute our goal.

If we aren’t in a place to make changes we want, then we don’t have to judge ourselves for that. We don’t have to punish ourselves. We can take ownership of our true selves.

If you’re on a diet, you might say, “I shouldn’t eat this donut,” but go deeper into owning what you really want. If you really want to lose weight, rephrase to say, “I want to lose weight so I will not eat this donut today, even though I really want it.” If you’ve been working hard and want a break, then own that. “I’ve been doing well on my diet, but today I want a donut because I enjoy it. I’m going to really enjoy it, be-cause after this I’m back to working on my goal.”

If, instead, we’re telling ourselves we should get up early to exercise so that other people will see us as being strong-willed or thinner, now we’re being double judged! The worst part of using the perceived judgment of others coupled with our own self-judgment is that we’ll be half-committed to our goal because it’s not even something we truly want or want enough to change.

We’ll exert just “enough” effort to make it look like we are addressing it because society or people tell us that we should. If we’re only half committed, we’re doing more harm than good and we’re setting ourselves up for negative consequences.

Leading with shoulds furthers our story that we have low self-control and we are not good enough to reach our goals, when in fact we only halfway committed because it’s some-thing we don’t fully want or aren’t fully ready to pursue.

If we can’t connect with what we truly want and make decisions in honor of that, the shoulds will let anything slide. They’re laced with a lack of accountability, are a disconnect with our truths, and are rigged with a self-esteem destroyer. Rephrasing to be more direct and truthful about our experiences, wants, needs and desires does matter, even if it’s only to ourselves. Practice, and let go of judging and shaming yourself.

Maybe our should is reflecting something we really don’t want, but we think someone else wants for us. Maybe the should is keeping us from pursuing what our true selves really want. “I should major in pre-med because that’s what’s expected of me. That’s where I’ll make money and make my family proud.” But if we really want to major in creative writing, we will half commit to pre-med, likely struggle and wonder why we’re not happy or inspired.

Who cares that it may not have a guaranteed job path or make as much money. Pursue what inspires you, and never let a should prove that you’re disconnected from your true self or putting someone else’s wants, needs or desires above your own, especially when it comes to your life!

Lastly, those who are judgmental often think everyone is equally judgmental. It almost becomes a defense mechanism. But what if everyone isn’t that judgmental? You don’t have to be either. You don’t need to judge others to “figure” them or yourself out. Free yourself from being judgmental and break through that ceiling of happiness!