Caring About Others’ Happiness More Than Our Own

3. CARING ABOUT OTHERS’ HAPPINESS MORE THAN OUR OWN

When we care more about what others want than we care about what we want, we are destined to have a low ceiling of happiness. This situation may stem from deep-rooted learned behavior that is difficult to simply will away.

Often times, if we are in this space, we think that caring more about our own feelings, wants, needs or desires is “selfish.”

Let’s define selfish: “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own ad-vantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.”3

Now let’s look at defining selfless: “having no concern for self.”4 Well, that’s not so great, either!

Extremes are generally not as healthy as balance. So let’s not be excessively or exclusively concerned with ourselves, but let’s also have concern for ourselves.

We can be moderately and generally concerned with our-selves and still exercise regard for others. We can have at least as much concern for our own welfare as we do for the welfare of others. We can consider the point of view of others without letting them make our decisions. We can make final decisions for ourselves from a place of honoring ourselves and still have consideration for others, therefore not being selfish or selfless.

WHEN BEING SELFLESS IS ACTUALLY ALL ABOUT OURSELVES

Being selfless can ironically be completely about ourselves when we come from a place of low self-esteem. We think giving a great amount of service, attention or affection is what someone wants, but they just want to be “seen.” We think we are doing a favor by making our world about them, when instead we are just using them to feel better about ourselves, often subconsciously.

Other’s can sense when we aren’t honoring ourselves, just like we sense when someone isn’t honoring themselves. While being doted upon and having our every wish served might feel amazing for a little while, when we sense some-one’s attachment to us is less about us and who we truly are and more about serving their needs to be validated, needed or wanted, we feel it.

We might entertain this behavior for a while, but we begin to resent that this person, who adores and would go to the moon and back for us, doesn’t “see” us. What feels like the world revolving around us, ironically, is not about us at all. It’s about them. We could be anyone filling their void or serving their purpose. We feel used, we get resentful, and we may not know why. But we know when we aren’t being seen, and it can’t be faked for long.

Meanwhile, they are giving everything they have for us, thinking they are the best partner ever, but we feel the encumbrance of their low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is tough on everyone. It’s not generous. It’s a heavy weight, often shared with those around us. It’s loaded with expectations. It’s loaded with control.

If we do something that appears to be loving toward another but is really about getting something we want or need, it doesn’t make them feel good or us feel fulfilled for long, if at all. 

Instead, if we come from a place of loving and honoring ourselves first, our generosity of spirit and acts of kindness mean something real. There’s no catch or ulterior motive to get a response. When we’re connected to our true selves and another person inspires us enough to make the effort to express gratitude, only then is our loving behavior as real and genuine as it gets. They feel it and can accept it freely.

A SKEWED DEFINITION OF SELFISHNESS

If you struggle with thoughts like, “my decisions will negatively affect others. Living like that is selfish,” I recommend looking into codependence. Living your life for others is not living your life. When the flight attendant instructs you to put your oxygen mask on before your child’s, it means you have to be at your best before you can truly help others.

Honoring yourself is not selfish—it’s vital. Are those you think you are accommodating repaying you by equally put-ting your best interests first? If not, you’re likely doing too much for them and can instead do more for yourself.

Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s fundamental to a fulfilling, happy and healthy life.

NOT BEING EMPOWERED TO CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT

Consider the following truth: You will not be able to achieve happiness if you are uncomfortable getting your needs met, are not willing to share your true self, or are not willing to pursue your true passions because you’re afraid of judgment or failure.

You can get inspired under these circumstances, but you deserve more than a ceiling on your happiness. These learned behaviors may take time, resources and commitment to change, but you deserve it! You are solely responsible for creating the life you want, and you have access to every tool you need to do so. You deserve to live your most inspired life without this ceiling of happiness blocking the life you want.